I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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