im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
