whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize