i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
