I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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