Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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