ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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