dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
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