then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
