i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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