We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize