maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
