I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So much Jack, so little girl.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
