Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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