For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
