I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
