I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Randomize
