I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
