Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
