sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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