i'm signing you up for texting rehab
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
