Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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