i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
