It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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