she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
