it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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