I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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