know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
