you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
