I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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