I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
