**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Duck Duck Cougar?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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