well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
