Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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