Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
