When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
