Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
