Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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