I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
