saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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