I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
