i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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