cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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