just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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