his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I understand Curling. That high.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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