we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
