The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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