I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
