It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
