the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
