sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
