you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
