Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize