he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
