My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
cat food counts as protein by the way
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
