He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
