I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
