he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize