Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i think my cat just said my name.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
